epiphany

I am, most of the time, going through life by rote. There is a certain pattern; I get up, put on the coffee, let the dog out, fill his water bowl and food dish, check my email and Facebook, awake my hubs and then sit down with a cup of coffee, write and work on my poetry. My day will follow a familiar pattern throughout until night, then morning and... repeat. By most standards that isn't anything to complain about. I am, mostly, where I want to be. There are still some tweaks that need to be made but overall, umm, yeah, I am content.

Occasionally, I even try to accept and value what and who I am. I am an introvert. I think that has been the stronger pull all my life but as I age it is consuming all other tendencies. I really have to work at the social thing. If I didn't I'd be a hermit just going out long enough to forage. That being said, I haven't truly understood how that rules my life and relationships. Why it has taken me so long is a mystery but this morning's epiphany (I looked that word up to make sure I was using it the way I meant:  A comprehension or perception of reality by means of a sudden intuitive realization). This realization has helped me not feel so confused and guilty about some of my choices with friendships.

I can't handle more than one or two really deep, close friendships. People wear me out. I don't want to be involved in their lives except superficially most of the time. I see the damage that has done to my fellowship in church. People are not very forgiving when you want less relationship. I no longer desire to be in church as much as I use to. I have changed in ways I don't really like or completely understand but this is who I am right now and I have to live here for awhile. At least until God moves me if I need to be somewhere else.

It isn't that I just like to be alone, it is that I need time alone. Time to think, to read, to be silent, to write... Therein lies the epiphany. I always thought it was a selfish choice but now I understand it is what I am. I wish that made all the difference but I'm still learning how to be this person, how to nurture her without spoiling her, how to value her without changing her and how to do and be an introvert that will glorify God with so much inactivity and solitude which seems to me to be anti-thesis for what a Christian is suppose to be. Still, I'm working on it.