Monologue

February  Assignment for Appalachian Pen Writers - Monologue in a different voice from your own on Love.   

Sadie Nussbaum, 60ish widow, living alone in a house on a tree lined street in an old neighborhood. Nussbaum is a German name meaning “nut tree” which gives us a clue that this sweet, charming lady is just a bit eccentric in a lovely old fashioned way. Sadie always has advice for the lovelorn, loves stray cats and cooking.

                                    

Fishing: The One that Got Away

By Debi Swim

 

Hello, Estelle, is you? I have some news for you to hear. Good news, Estelle.  I must tell you about my evening. It was so interesting.  I had just settled in for watching Jessica Fletcher.  I love that woman Estelle, don’t you? She is so handsome and smart.  Always, she catches the bad guy. Anyway, just as Jessica is about to come on, my doorbell rings and there is a pretty young woman.

Yes, Estelle, late as it was. Yes, Estelle, alone. I know, these young women, they won’t be guided by common sense. They should be home taking care of dinner and children. But, what you gonna do, they don’t listen.

She was selling insurance. She said, “Good evening ma’am. I am from the Fitzroyal Health and Life Co. I’d love to talk to you today about your insurance needs.” So, I tell her,” come in, come in.  Take a load off. . Let me take your coat.” I give her my chair –it is comfy and has a good light.

Oh, my, Estelle, what a pretty girl she was.  Then I told her I was going to get us some tea and some nice cookies. I made your recipe, Estelle, and told the young woman they were homemade cookies. Not the awful kind like from the grocer store –cardboard, that’s what they sell in those fancy shmancy packages – cardboard cookies. Bad for your digestion. ” Don’t ever give them to your poor husband,” I said, “he’ll be up all night with the heartburn. My cookies are made with good ingredients,” I said, “none of those preserving things that make food last months-like cardboard.” Terrible, terrible.

You know what she says, Estelle? She says, "No, thank you."  “No?”  I say, “No, tea?  No cookies? You sure?”  She just ate, Estelle, this late at night, she just ate.  “Oh” I said , “you just ate. Well, looks to me it wouldn’t hurt you to have a cookie. Too thin. You girls today, always worrying about skinny. “

“Estelle, girls today, they don’t know that a man likes a little softness. It’s all hard edges and mussels. My Charles use to say, “Sadie,” he’d say, “Sadie, you are like a dumpling, warm and soft. I love my little potato dumpling.”

“What did she say? You want to know, Estelle, what she says? She says, “I’d like to show you some information about my company and how we can help you live more securely. Now, look at these statistics…” that’s what she says. But, then, Estelle, I noticed her hand. I said to her,  “Excuse me, please, I hate to interrupt, but,  I can’t help but notice… your left hand…  no husband for you? No?  Do you have a young man? No?  No one?  You are not shtepping out with nobody? Listen to me young woman, I know what I’m talking about. A man, a man is a good thing to have.

(Makes sympathetic noises) Estelle, such a pretty girl. I told her, “You need a man. I know you young women today-you are all independence and think men are not needed but I tell you, a man, a man is a good thing to have. You get a good man you don’t have cold feet no more. They are better than a hot water bottle. Believe me; I know what I’m talking about.” That’s what I told her, Estelle.  

What did she say? Estelle, she acted offended, said, “Mrs. Nussbaum, I’m not here to talk about my marital status. Let’s get back to the matter at hand. Do you have a life insurance policy?

So, I told her, Estelle.  I told her, “Yes, Charlie put everything in a nice metal box for me.

“Estelle, you know, my Charlie was so thoughtful. Even should the house burn down, this little box will still be safe. If I need help, Charlie said, I should go see Mr. Billings at the bank.”  Estelle, you know Mr. Billings? No? Nice man. His son, Irving, nice young man but, too thin.  I introduced him to my friend BeeBee’s great-niece. What do you think? They hit it off right away. The sparkles flew, as they say. Irving, nice boy, and this niece, married now and three children already.  Irving, filled out –looks good now. That’s what marriage will do for you, Estelle  – put some meat and potatoes on your bones. I told that young woman that.

Estelle, that is when I remembered Norman.  Norman Dinglewinder. I told her you, Estelle, you have a friend whose grandson is visiting from Milwaukie. Nice, young man, I say.  So, I told the young woman, “You would be perfect together.”

Estelle, you told me his grandmother worries so about him. Girls today, she said, are so forward.  They throw themselves at a man’s head.” I know, Estelle, what you gonna do? Today it is all skinny heels, flashy clothes cut down to here, showing off what God doesn’t mean to show off. No mystery, no smile sweetly, it’s all sexy, movie star stuff.

So, Estelle, I told the young woman, “Believe me; I’m telling you, you will get more with a nice piece of hot strudel than a shpikey highheel shoe.  But, never mind,” I tell her. “Norman, what a nice young man. Tell me where you can find such a man today? Owns his own business.  Left to him by his father, who was left it by his father.  What business you say?  Hand made, hand embroidered hankerchiefs. Not those flimsy paper tissue thingys but real cotton and silk and lace. Beautiful. Where you gonna find a man like that today?

Then, I say to her, I say, “Now, you write down your name and phone on a piece of paper. I will call Estelle, Estelle will call her friend, and her friend will tell the boy to call you. Beautiful.  All your problems are solved. You will meet this nice young man; he will take one look at your pretty face and be done in.”

Did I get her name and number, you want to know. No Estelle, I don’t understand it.  You know what she said to me? She said, “Mrs. Nussbaum, a very wise woman once said, “A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.”  “What is that, Estelle? What has a fish to do with a bicycle? I’m afraid, this one isn’t for Norman.   Well, goodnight Estelle.  There are always more fish in the sea