www.themafelix.com
AND NOW FOR YOUR CHALLENGE--http://withrealtoads.blogspot.com/2014/08/poems-in-progress.html
When posting your poem in progress, leave very specific instructions about where you are stuck, and let us know what you want feedback on. Maybe even why you stopped writing or what you don’t like about what you have so far.
This is a work in progress -
I fell in love with this picture but don't know where I want to go with it. Maybe it isn't meant to be a poem but a story. ANY feed back is welcome...
She dreamed each night of a shadow land
a world of misty white and greywith only a shadow of whispery sound
of shadow deer and a shadow owl a fingertip away
where she was all alone.
By day she walked on busy streets,
out of step with those around
Hi Debi ~~ for sure by the picture she is out of step with those on the street during the day. Maybe a bank robber's moll during the day? At night her dreams are to be free of these terrible people. That is far out but the poem seems to be heading towards revealing why she has these dreams at night and telling the reader what her day life is.
ReplyDeleteBTW, what is the purpose of the 'spacers' going down your page below the poem? Perhaps a place to plant your added lines? Or is a writing form? (I highlighted the area to see these markers.)
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I can't see the spacers. I don't know what they are. Strange. Thanks for your comment. I'll think about the robber's moll : )
ReplyDeleteMaybe the family forest of birch trees speak to her? :)
ReplyDeleteHmmm, now that might work. Thanks Hannah
ReplyDeleteto me, good poems are stories, and you have the beginnings of one right here. You have set up the tension of the narrators reality and the world she dreams of. My thoughts: you did such a good job of describing the dream world in the first stanza, showing us (the readers)...but the second stanza is more just telling us about reality. Maybe if you start but building out the imagery of the reality, you'll find the link of soul of the story? Just some thoughts! Thanks for posting to the out of standard.
ReplyDeletebuilding out the imagery of the reality... yes, I can do that.
DeleteI do see this as a short story. Maybe it's about mental illness or adoption or amnesia. I know I'm all over the place but want to say how much I enjoyed the lines you shared. Smiles.
ReplyDeleteYou may be all over the place but they are good ideas.
Deletewith only a shadow of whispery sound
ReplyDeleteof shadow deer and a shadow owl a fingertip away...
I love those two lines, Debi. You have a strong verse structure in place already but as narrative you would probably need at least two more like it to round off the tale.
put the photo away and write your story. what's the point? i too love the lines Kerry has pulled out... i suggest you continue the idea of repeating evocative words like "shadow" in your next lines and stanzas, to see what happens.
ReplyDelete