There was a time when I knew what I knew, was sure of it, confident, happy, smug. Then, a puny piddling gnat sized nudge set me slightly off balance. I remember walking up the road with my oldest and talking about this spiritual vertigo. I couldn't even put it into sensible words. It was just a discontent, a feeling of something not quite right, bigger still, what if we have it all wrong? That must have been fifteen years ago, maybe longer and I tried to shrug it off and went on with church and life, but it never quite worked. Then, I began to hear about "emergent." I found a book by Dan Kimball and began to realize I wasn't alone in my discontent. Now years later, I still haven't come to a definite conclusion and I have changed in ways I'm not completely comfortable with.
I question so many things and truth be told even question if God is real sometimes - all too often actually. I find myself begging Him, "please be real. I want you, Heaven, Jesus, Truth - I want it all to be real." So, I live in the limbo world of C. S. Lewis' words, When I don't believe (his word was love), I will act as though I believe. I pray God, let that be enough. Bring me out of this no man's land into green pastures of comfort and peace.
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